of things today.  I keep wondering why I have gone through everything in my life.  Health wise.  Not like a pity party whoa is me type of thing.

More like…. if I knew in my teens and early 20s that I wasn’t able to have kids would I do things differently.  If I had a Dr that did tests to see that I could go through early menopause what would I have done.  I am pretty sure I would have ended up saving money or borrowing money to have a Dr. freeze my eggs.  I am also thinking that in a way it is a good thing that I was destined to it.  If I would have been very fertile then I would have most likely become pregnant with Marks baby.  And I know that I would not be able to even deal with him for the rest of my life.  Things were going well at the end of the relationship till he screwed it up.  He was emotionally abusive early in the relationship.

I remember going to Ritas and crying about things on a weekley basis.  But I thought that we would always work things out because if you are in love that is what you do.  What a naive person I was.

Then I think of my heart condition.  There really isn’t anything that I could have done to prevent it because I was born with the artery defect.  If it was from eating and drinking I would have definitely changed things….

Dr Beltran said that he didn’t think it was a good idea for me to have kids.  If i knew I had the heart condition and knew the risk would I have used my frozen eggs and tried to have a baby?

I think about it often and this is how I feel.  I think that God made it that I could not have a baby because I could have had a heart attack and died in the delivery room.

My Moms Mom died in delivery.  I wonder if she had what I did.

So many things to think about.

I do know this… I am happy to still be here.  Happy to enjoy the beautiful days like today.

On bad days I cannot see things that way… then on good days I remind myself.

I am truly happy to be alive in this world!

It is a beautiful day today. It is in the 70’s.  It is one of those days where I am glad that I am still alive!

Last night Joe and I went to see Notes on a Scandal for Valentines Day.  He had about 15 minutes of work that he had to complete and then we were going to watch an episode of Heros that we taped.  We decided not to watch the whole episode.  So after he felt sort of sick.  So I am thinking he has some sort of stomach flu.  While I was still awake he was up twice to throw up. When I got up this morning he told me that he was up every 90 minutes.

Poor Joe!  I wish I could help him!  I tried calling him 4 times from work, but I am thinking that he is sleeping.

I will have to make him some dry toast when i get home.

Yesterday I received and early Valentines Day gift at work.  Joe sent me beautiful tulips.

Tulips are one of my favorite flowers.  They are beautiful! He is too sweet!

Tonight we are going out to a movie. We hardly ever go out during the week.

I have been recovering from a cold so I have been going to bed early these past couple of days.  I feel alot better today.

It’s is going to be wonderful to be able to spend a night at the movies with my wonderful, sweet, loving husband! 

Had a really nice Birthday weekend. Lots of fun, but I am TIRED!

It was very nice seeing family and friends!

Friday night we went to meet up with Missy at her place. Carrie came and joined us. I gave them their craft gifts for this past Christmas. I was able to see Autie and Max. They were sleeping, but so so cute! Katarina was up. She is too cute! Sucking on her finger! She didn’t know what to think of me though. Missy and I are going to talk over the web once a week. That way I can (we can) see the kids grow and they can recognize me. (us)

Saturday morning we went to Kristys cheerleading competition. There was confusion with what time it started so we didn’t get to see hre. But we did see the rest of her school. And we did get to meet one of her little friends. She has the school spirit that is for sure.

Then Joe and I went to lunch at Moccias train stop. Great food! We went back tothe hotel after and relaxed. Then that night went to Eves and Dad and Cheryl came. It was really ncie. We had pizza and Dad brought cake for Jenny and I. Jennys Birthday is today! She is 11. And is still as sweet as ever!

Then that night we met up with a ton of people at Steppys. Susan (my second cousin) and her son David were there. It was their Birthday too! Her other son Patrick and his new wife Jackie, her husband David. Another second cousin Kathy Long ( the wild one ) and Bob her husband. Rita, Mairbeth, Maribeths boyfriend Danny Joe and I. Oh and Tracy was working the bar. Later on Beth and Paul came and Tasha and her Mom Cathy came. Lots of fun! I had a little too many drinks, but had a blast. Later we went to the Manor Chor and saw Bobby (Ritas husband)

Took lots of pics and had alot of fun. I am not happy with the way I look in the pics… being too self critical I guess. It was lots of fun!

Sunday morning Dad and Cheryl met us for breakfast at the hotel. After i had to take a half hour nap. Then later that day we went to Katarinas Baptism. After we went over Ed Berrys house and chatted with teh Berry clan. Then it was off to the airport.

We didn’t get home till 12:30 so I am pretty tired. But it is worth being tired with having the chance to hang out with friends and family from home.

I was just talking with the new girl at work and we were chatting and I asked her if she had kids. She aid yes two girls. She asked me and I said no and she sighed like Oh…

WTF? So then I told her that I can’t have kids and Joe and I are considering adopting in a couple years.

Why is it that if you are of a certain age people expect you to have kids? And if you don’t it is like some type of crime or something? I always have to explain myself. And at the same time I have to separate myself from my feelings about everything. Because if I stood there and talked about the fact that I am unable to have kids for too long I would end up breaking down.

Life throws you punches, this I know is true. And I am trying not to have a pity party for myself… But why is it that everything that happened to me happened before the age of 40?

And why did it have to be no kids and and a heart defect?

But I know I have to turn it around and think of it differently. I have to think. Not able to have children means we can give a deserving child a home. And I had a heart problem I didn’t know about, but at least I am alive. I try SO HARD to put a positive spin on things.

Some days are much harder than others though.

This year for my birthday we are going home to Pennsylvania.  I wanted to spend my birthday this year with all my PA friends and family.  I haven’t been home for my birthday in 4 years.  Well over 4 I guess you could say.

It just so happens that Missys youngest Katarina is going to be Christened on Sunday.  Joe and I will be attending.  I am excited about it because I have been to Auties or Maxs.

Also going to my niece Kristys cheerleading competition.

It should be a fun filled packed weekend and I can’t wait!

I was looking in my makeup bag and I must have 15 lipsticks.  Well lipsticks, glosses, chapstick.

I am just hooked on lipstick.  Years ago I would only wear one maybe 2 colors.  Now I wear more.  I won’t go to the red side…but maroon is ok.  I stick to more neutral tones, but have all different shades.

The three things i couldn’t live without.  Moistuizer (with sunscreen) mascara (I look like I have no eyelashes with out it.  No eyes actually) and lipstick.

Joe has been watching the Super Bowl and I have been watching it on and off. I did sit down to watch Prince at half time.  He is so talented!  I must see him live someday.

My first week weigh in at Weight Watchers went well.  I lost over a pound and a half.  I was hoping for a pound so I was pleasantly surprised when I saw I lost more.

I will be keeping my blog updated on my progress monthly.