of things today.  I keep wondering why I have gone through everything in my life.  Health wise.  Not like a pity party whoa is me type of thing.

More like…. if I knew in my teens and early 20s that I wasn’t able to have kids would I do things differently.  If I had a Dr that did tests to see that I could go through early menopause what would I have done.  I am pretty sure I would have ended up saving money or borrowing money to have a Dr. freeze my eggs.  I am also thinking that in a way it is a good thing that I was destined to it.  If I would have been very fertile then I would have most likely become pregnant with Marks baby.  And I know that I would not be able to even deal with him for the rest of my life.  Things were going well at the end of the relationship till he screwed it up.  He was emotionally abusive early in the relationship.

I remember going to Ritas and crying about things on a weekley basis.  But I thought that we would always work things out because if you are in love that is what you do.  What a naive person I was.

Then I think of my heart condition.  There really isn’t anything that I could have done to prevent it because I was born with the artery defect.  If it was from eating and drinking I would have definitely changed things….

Dr Beltran said that he didn’t think it was a good idea for me to have kids.  If i knew I had the heart condition and knew the risk would I have used my frozen eggs and tried to have a baby?

I think about it often and this is how I feel.  I think that God made it that I could not have a baby because I could have had a heart attack and died in the delivery room.

My Moms Mom died in delivery.  I wonder if she had what I did.

So many things to think about.

I do know this… I am happy to still be here.  Happy to enjoy the beautiful days like today.

On bad days I cannot see things that way… then on good days I remind myself.

I am truly happy to be alive in this world!